Words by Locke Van Kemp
Art by Rip Branagan

In the immortal and falsetto words of Don Dokken, “I’m back! Back for the attack!” Welcome, crude believers, to the parade of shitty names throughout comic book history. I’ve spent countless hours drunkenly fingering through long box after long box (not a euphemism) so that you can enjoy the horrible spoils of my filthy booty hunt (also not a euphemism). It’s all here, the remaining terrible names, all ready and waiting for you! So sit back and relax while I, like a comic book Santa Claus, empty my entire sack in front of you (see what I did there?). First up!

Golden Oldie
How is this even a superhero name?! Well, we all know Petey Parker’s lovable and ancient caretaker, Aunt May, right? In Marvel Team Up #137 the world devouring demigod, Galactus, chooses her as his new harbinger of doom, his right hand, his horseman of destruction. You heard me right! Aunt May: Herald of Galactus!

AH! It can’t get any more insane, can it?

It can!

He turns her into a golden, female version of the Silver Surfer and dubs her Golden Oldie. Then, in an awesome abuse of both cosmic power and product placement, Golden Oldie stops Galactus from devouring earth by offering him---

---a Twinkie!

Now this isn’t one of those old ads that ran in back of issues from the 1980s, I loved those. This is a full 24-page comic book set in-continuity with the Amazing Spider-Man.

And Golden Oldie gives Galactus a Twinkie.

And he eats it!

And he likes it!

And he’s all, “I want some more; these little sugary devils are ultra tasty.” So Golden Oldie flies into space and finds a planet shaped like a Twinkie (I’m not putting the shit on you), and the planet even has the cellophane wrapper on it (I am still refusing to put the shit on you) and Galactus just happily chomps it down. Then he says, “Holy shit cakes, you beautiful bitch, you just saved the Earth with this creamy and moist Twinkie planet.” And then he turns Aunt May human again.

And before any of the Wood Rocket editors call me out on this, I might have paraphrased a few of those quotes.

MAYBE.

But the rest is 100% true!

*actually true. fact checked. we didn’t believe him either –ed.

Condiment King
Where to start? He’s a DC villain. The guy’s real name is Mitchell Mayo. Yeah, Mayo. And, like most of the idiots on this list, his life is a wasted series of brutal and humiliating defeats culminating in a very timely, if not embarrassing, death. I guess I shouda said, “spoilers.” But fuck it! Why? Not for this guy, no shits shall you give for this guy. Lame list line-up:

Condiment King uses a catsup gun.

He uses a mustard gun.

He uses a mayo gun.

You get the culinary picture. That’s it, that’s his entire deal. He’s so second stringer that even though he operates in Gotham, I could not find a single comic where he faced Batman. Robin? Sure. Batgirl? Yes. Black Canary, Blue Beetle, Blah, Blah, Blah. The point is that every time Condiment King went on a crime spree Batman was like:

“Oh fuck that. That is not even a thing to me.”

The boy wonder doesn’t really want to get involved (he’s basically like, “Um, can’t a cop just shoot Texas Pete?”) but Robin, being the goodie-good that he is, gets concerned that someone might have an allergic reaction to some of the condiments. Allergic reaction to some of the condiments. That’s real. I read that. An editor okayed that.

Then the heroes (sans Bats, of course) beat the living relish outta that old mustard-head and put him in the jail. Eventually, when Condiment King finally manages to escape prison, he realizes that he is outclassed in Gotham. So he teams up with some other villainy-types--- and is promptly betrayed and beaten to death---

---with his own catsup gun!

His last words are, “Hold the Mayo…” because that’s his name, and he wants someone to hold him.* Nothing sadder than that, folks.

*last quote, not true. but we had to look it up because the entire piece sounds like something Locke would make up –ed.

Matter Eater Lad
Oh, sweet macaroni shits. Here’s our second stinker from DC Comics. He’s a member of the Legion of Super Heroes, and almost the entire 31st century of Legion of Super Heroes has hideously insipid names. It’s like it was agreed upon by the writers of the 1960s that monikers for this particular group of DC future-children could be as spot-on and uninspired as humanly possible.

ROLE CALL!

Bouncing Boy, Saturn Girl, Invisible Kid.

No one even tried.

But at least those guys had cool-ish powers. Matter Eater Lad…agh, I can barely type it . . . Matter Eater Lad claims his planet’s food was poisoned on a molecular level thus forcing him to eat, you know, wood and metal and cars and shit. Well, not shit. I mean not that I saw. But he could! Because that’s his super power; he eats matter. So inane. It’s so mind-blisteringly stupid that there is rarely an instance of him using the power to any avail for an exorbitant amount of issues. Finally, FINALLY, he is able to do something heroic with his ‘amazing ability to eat’ by gobbling down the previously-thought-indestructible death robot inappropriately named the Miracle Machine. He essentially saves the entire universe. Which is why I had an actual and very real L.O.L. when it’s discovered in the next issue that this act of heroism sent him into deep, spiraling madness. He does one good thing in his miserable life, and it literally drives him insane.

I just quit reading right there because it made me so happy.

And now you can quit reading, too! You’re killing your fucking eyes sitting at this computer all day! Why not go for a run or run for a drink or check out some of our amazing exclusive videos here on Wood Rocket? (I am aware that that requires computer viewing, but some things are worth losing your sight over.) I’ll be gearing up for the next article, and it’s a doozy so make damn sure you come back and see me right here on the World’s Greatest Website: Woodrocket.com! I’ll be having an 18 year Sherry Oak Macallan, neat, with a water back, and staring at this computer screen while my eyes bleed. Until next time, I’m Locke Van Kemp and I miss you already.

“Locke” is the writer of several nationally syndicated & critically acclaimed comic books, countless published short stories and the occasional questionable low budget movie. We at Woodrocket don't condone Locke's insanity, but we sure as hell enjoy reading it.