By: Layne Hunters
It’s summer time, so that means millions of folks across North America are packing up their vehicles with plans of heading out on the open road Griswold style. According to AAA, 33.7 million Americans traveled more than 50 miles from their homes this past Memorial Day and at least 75% of those people were getting freaky nasty in their cars; sometimes with their partners and other times solo (hey, what else are you going to do when you’re in bumper-to-bumper traffic and you’re too cheap to renew your XM Radio subscription?). So strap in, strap on, and get ready for my picks for the best cars to have sex in.
If the Pontiac Aztek were a woman, you would need to put a bag over her head before you even tried to reach first base. Fortunately, we’re talking about having sex IN cars, not WITH cars. The Pontiac Aztek has the dubious honor of being one of Time magazine’s Ugliest Cars of All Time. But despite its awkward Eric Cartman-in-tight-gym-shorts appearance, the Aztek is a perfect car to fuck in.
Yes, you can probably get down and dirty in most large SUVs, but what makes the Aztek’s fuckability ranking skyrocket is the fact that there’s an attachable tent that pops out of the hatch. If you’re riding dirty in an Aztek, I highly suggest telling your boning partner that your car was the one used in “Breaking Bad”, because if you don’t, she’ll assume that you actually cook meth.
Any Conversion Van
Dodge, Chevy or Ford. It doesn’t matter what Detroit brand you’re representing, as long as it’s a shaggin’ van ready for some action. Conversion vans are the white trash version of an RV (If there even is such a thing). Known to haul Christian families and DIY punk bands across state lines in comfort while getting reasonable MPG, conversion vans are basically little motels on wheels minus the bed bugs and a manager speaking broken English demanding you pay a deposit on clean towels.
2003-2008 Subaru Forester
A million lesbians can’t be wrong! The Subaru Forester is a great vehicle to have sex in during the snowy months because of its all wheel drive and enough cargo space to bring an industrial sized tub of strawberry lube and your rescued Yellow Lab Mix. If the faded Kerry/Edwards bumper sticker doesn’t scream “Scissoring Mobile” I don’t know what does.
If you want to fuck a MILF (Who doesn’t?), don’t go for the babe in the Mercedes E-Class (It’s probably leased). Instead, scope out your local grocery store parking lot and find a hottie rolling up in a Honda Odyssey mini van--with or without those horrific stick figure family window clings. The Honda Odyssey has foldable rear seats, or for even easier access, you can remove the seats all together. Don’t worry about onlookers, the base level trim has tint in the backseat. If things really get messy, newer models of the Odyssey have a vacuum built right in the back. It won’t help get the smell of unadulterated boning out of the van though. That’s what those little air freshener trees are for.
Ford Crown Victoria
It’s sad that Ford stopped production on the Crown Vic. It’s a boat of a vehicle with an indestructible V8 engine and a massive backseat that can accommodate multiple people in a comfortable fashion, but the real reason why the Crown Vic is a great car to fuck in, is because of the sexual fantasies that can go down in it. Still the car of choice for many cops and cabbies, you can pick up a Crown Vic on the cheap at your local police auction and play, “Local Cop and Hot Underage Drunk College Girl” or “Smelly NYC Cab Driver and Underage Drunk NYU Student who left her wallet at home.”
Toyota Prius V
Yes, you have read this correctly. Sure, the Prius isn’t going to make the ladies drop their panties, but from a utilitarian perspective, it’s an ideal car to boink in. The larger Prius V has a hatchback with tint, which can keep your shagging a secret. It’s also a hybrid so you can drive for hundreds of miles on a single tank of gas to find your perfect sexy spot, and finally, it’s a hybrid so you can creep around in silence while you’re trying to find your perfect sexy spot.
Layne Hunters is a Boston born, certified organic, tomboy femme lesbian. When she's not creating smut for us, she's producing and writing films (of the non-humping variety). She has worked as a blogger for numerous websites, and as a copywriter for the wine and spirits industry. Yes, she can get free booze. No, she will not hook you up. Listen to her shenanigans at hourofthunder.podomatic.com