A Review of 50 Shades of Grey by a Former Porn Scriptwriter
By Annabelle Shivers
SHORT REVIEW: No peen? No thank you.
LONG REVIEW: “We’re almost 30. I think we might be too old for this.”
My friend was right. We probably shouldn’t have been pouring vodka into our Fantas at noon in the basement bathroom of a movie theatre. We probably shouldn’t have snuck in pistachios, the world’s most annoying snack, either. We definitely should have taken the massive diarrhea splatter in the stall across from ours as a sign that we were in for a shitty movie. Alas, we are idiots.
I used to write scripts for a big porn site. Because of this, people have assumed I’m into 50 Shades of Grey. Or that I’ve read it. Or that I at the very least know what it is. Wrong. I am reasonably good at glossing over shit that doesn’t interest me, and even though I did see the title plastered just about everywhere, it sounded boring to me. I eventually heard that it involved bondage or sexy tickling or something, and I still had no intention of learning more. It’s not because I’ve written porn, that I’m super wild in the sack or, more to the point, that I care about ways in which fictional characters are wild in the sack.
I set out to watch the movie adaptation for one simple reason: it sounded awful. It garnered such an incredible number of terrible reviews that I could no longer resist. See, I have a genuine respect for garbage cinema. My favorite movie is Slumber Party Massacre II. Some of the porno scenes I’ve penned are so bad-good that I show them at parties. I find shitty acting, ridiculous plot lines and stuff blowing up without the use of CGI extremely entertaining. So into the movie theatre I went.
Anastasia Steele is, I’ve been told, supposed to be an average-looking, sort-of chubby student/hardware store employee. So logically, she is gorgeous and thin in the movie. She meets Christian Grey, a big-time billionaire who only hires models and whose job is not explained. He is interested in her for, well, a reason, I suppose. That reason is also not explained except that he really wants to whip her with a thing that looks like a mop.
“This is the worst movie of all time.”
My pal was, of course, right again. This is why we are friends. I desperately wanted 50 Shades of Grey to be so bad it was good, but it very quickly lost itself in so-bad-it’s-really-bad territory. There is no actual plot. No conflict. No resolution. Here is a film that relies exclusively on supposedly kinky sexual content to bring in the bucks.
Let me be perfectly clear, however: most of what you will see in this movie is not two people pushing their sexual boundaries. It is Chris trying to convince Ana to let him own her.
Because this review is for a porn site (shouldn’t you be snapping your bacon right now?), I won’t delve into the many reasons why I believe this film to be problematic. I’ll instead fill you in on the juicy stuff. What you’ll see is: boobies, a naked lady being somewhat gently flogged, a lot of lip biting and male buns. For two hours.
Do not go into this movie expecting high budget porn. Speaking from experience, I’d say that there are two kinds of porn writers. There are the funny, creative people who feel fortunate that they’ve landed a writing job, and there are the continuously horny toads whose only interest is hardcore porn. E.L. James, the author of 50 Shades of Grey, obviously does not fit into either category.
When I left the theatre, I did not feel titillated. I felt drunk. I was also covered in pistachio shells.
Annabelle is an exceptionally beautiful writer from Canada whose work you've no doubt jerked off to. Between working out and modeling, she enjoys giving long, luxurious blowjobs. She also enjoys fencing and hang gliding.