By Alice White
Have you ever found yourself sitting at home, alone, at 5 AM, on a Tuesday, with Cheetos finger stains on your underwear, watching Wrestling; your favorite greased-up, suspiciously smooth man in Spandex ready to pretend fight with another, very similar looking man? Do you ever wonder how these supposedly painful moves, would translate as cool sex positions? I admit finding myself thinking about it on occasion. It's probably best to not ask questions.
Grabbing your opponent's naked skin around their torso, their body pressed against yours. You pull their crotch up so that their genitals are flush with your nose and yours to theirs, and then you plummet them as hard as you can into the mat.
Piledriver in wrestling and pile driving in porn aren't remotely close to being the same thing. So it's weird that a wrestling pile driver is exactly the same as a standing 69 - but which actually came first? Was someone licking their lover's inner thighs and thought, “you know what, there's really not enough neck breaking in this for me, for either of us really”? Or, was someone watching wrestling and prayed an accidental dick would fall into the other person's mouth, and they thought, “fuck it, I'm gonna try this on the missus”? It's a real chicken and egg situation but with more oral and neck braces.
Trust us, this is definitely a lot more fun than it looks.
SWEET CHIN MUSIC
Using a long, toned leg, you stretch out, reaching towards your target until you are able to gently caress their chin with your foot really, really hard.
So normally when your opponent goes to kick you in your glass jaw, you'd crumble to the floor in tears and they'd be victorious. But, who is to say you can't both be winners? When they are preparing to connect, grab their foot and hold it still. This will give you great access for that sweet, sweet loving he probably didn't want.
FIGURE FOUR LEG LOCK
With your legs wrapped around theirs, you don’t need arms, just your groin, wrenching and twirling close to the other person's groin. No one’s a loser, and yet no one’s not not a winner.
Fuck, this is definitely the most romantic of all the moves. If you incorporate a foot rub then you might as well just be filming a scene in a romantic comedy where the sleazy womanizer finds out about sensual love-making and changes his ways for the better.
It only hurts when I clench my butthole.
You press your chest into their back. You eagerly run your hands along their ribs and up around the smooth grooves where the peck meets the shoulder, and grab that thick neck of theirs. You’ve got them. They’re yours.
The perfect move for someone who loves being restrained. All you really need to do differently here is instead of gloating to a drunk audience surrounding the ring you're in, kiss the back of your partner's neck and navigate your dick in. Audience optional.
THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW
Your opponent is on the floor; waiting... shivering... anticipating. You’re mad, so so mad. You fall, elbow bent as only elbows can so sexily be. You run, you jump and you fall, pounding their fleshy neck.
Nope this one doesn’t translate. You wanna pretend to elbow the person you're banging in the throat? You wanna be elbowed in the throat by the person you're banging? I can hand-on-heart say that I never want to be elbowed in the throat. Your genitals won't even be touching! It's niche, so niche in fact you should just stick to wrestling because that seems to be exactly what you want.
So the bottom line is apart from the peak physical condition these wrestlers are in, there’s nothing all that sexy about wrestling, unless you like watching people writhe around in JELL-O or beans or K-Y Jelly. But even then, that’s more like Sexual Exploration for Dummies. Go on, get really dark and pretend to be your own dad or something. When it comes to the moves though, as adventurous as you want to be, you’re best just fucking using fucking moves.
Alice White is a badly behaved writer and ex-sex and dating columnist from Scotland. She has the accent and everything. And also really terrific hair. Follow her on Twitter at @alicewhitey for dick jokes and public eye rolling.